Everything on hold and a focus shift.

So, in my blog last time I wrote this "I am happy to support friends who embrace body positivity in all its forms, as long as they support me too."  There have been a number of instances, recently, where this has not happened and people have been actively quite depressing and negative about people trying to lose weight, for the sake of losing weight. I have taken these things a bit personally.

I have worked fucking hard over the past six months to loose weight, there have been also some muscle building goals as well and side effect of becoming fit. But the Big goal was to lose 10kg by July, by June I had lost 13 kg.  I did this through hard work and discipline, getting up early to go to the gym and counting a calories like only a woman with an addictive personality can.  It was hard going to the gym and pool and working hard, it is not an activity I enjoy. I did have Mr Gin and there personal training team to support me but that was all there was really besides a work colleague who was really lovely as she slimmed down to for her wedding. But the numbers were important, I wanted to jump up and down with every .5 kilo lost. Mr. Gin got lots of photos like below  because I felt putting them on social media was not that caring for a variety of reasons. I was gutted by a couple of instances that just made me feel fairly shit about my numbers and the reasons I was doing this. I really didn't get this when I was doing my best to support their choices by not carrying on. So I am now going to talk about numbers, I needed that support and will need it again.

I got down to 70 kg from 83 kg in December 2016.  At 153 cm that is a huge chunk of change. Both myself and Mr Gin worked hard, he really has been the sole support through it all. We had a goal, to drop weight to reduce the stress on the implant and avoid surgery. I got to the goal and I was pleased with the strength in the legs, there was a lessening in the pain but not as much as I would have liked.
I saw Mr Hutt in July, I had maintained my weight for a month and half so was stoked.  He was very pleased with my movement and the amount of muscle I had gained. My walking has improved and I just stand when getting out of a chair, no need for hands (although I am glad he does not have a low couch like we have at home.)  This is really good for the long term outcomes of the replacement.

We agreed that although the pain had decreased living with it was frustrating but possibly livable with. Leaving it over winter to see if the pain is worse seems to be the best course of action along with more muscle building and weight loss. Dropping to a BMI healthy weight range, again means less pressure on the joint and also if the NHS get carried away with BMIs for hip replacement, it does mean I am in a good shape for the left when it goes. But we have not taken surgery off the table for the implant, to push the stress along the whole thigh bone and hopefully making it less painful. And anyway he can not operate at the moment!

A surgeon not operating?  Why? Well, it is not his fault. Sort of, losing all the weight and getting fit seems had a interesting side effect.  I am pregnant! Something Mr Gin and I thought wasn't going to happen! It does mean we can't do anything with the replacement for a while.  As far Mr Hutt is concerned there is little impact on the replacement and I know it will make it less painful. As I have the replacement I have to have a chat with a consultant about what they think the good outcomes are.

I am having issues because I am hypermobile and I have Pelvic Girdle Pain and am working hard on strengthening the muscles to try and halt that getting worse. As I am older (43) there are risks that go with my age and I am aware the toil it is taking on my body in general. I am tired all the time but hopefully that will change. I am working hard at maintaining my current weight until putting weight is required, which is totally fine given my current weight is classified as obese still.

So, this blog is taking a bit of a turn for a hip replacement and pregnancy combo.

A couple of answers to questions.  We are due late January and we know the baby is human and very likely to be ginger other than that we can't change anything and won't know time they are born, we are both every excited. Oh, and no real bump yet, and of course ask first!

Falling down trousers.

Spoiler alert : whining, swearing and possibly unpopular opinions about weight loss.

I am pottering along with trying to get rid of this damn implant pain. I have reached the goal weight I hoped may alleviate it but it still comes and goes. Admittedly less coming and more going but I am not convinced that it all the work I done and more likely a change in the weather.
I have given it a very hard work out, when in the Lake District we walked a lot, a scramble over rocks and up and down steep uneven stairs. Then a walk around Buttermere, an 8 km walk in the rain that left a lot of mud on my trousers and shoes after negotiating some rough terrain.  I was tired but it was well worth it and such a change from what I could do last visit to the Lake District. The implant was sore at points but not too bad. I have a horrid week about month or so ago where I really didn’t know what to do.

I am not worried when it twinges when doing squats in the gym, because that inflicted pressure but walking is a concern and some days I can feel it sitting. I am not sure what the outcome of the meeting with Mr Hutt in July will be like. I have kept my end of the suggestions for improving it, weight loss and muscle building.

I have managed to drop enough weight to move from severely obese to just obese, I know BMI is imperfect but it does have bearing on an idea how I am going, I am aiming for overweight, I am not sure I will get down to normal. I have lost 9.6% of my body weight and I am certainly fitter than I have been in a long time. I can swim 1 km in the pool without too many issues and this was something I struggled with before starting this endeavour. I do the cross trainer and can squat with 15 kg and do leg presses with 58kg. My back issues have settled down, which is great because I was concerned that was going to hang around for some time. My trousers need a belt and I am moving into smaller clothes that have been in drawers for quite some time. This of course, leaves the issue of quite serviceable clothing, including a swimming costume that do not fit. Mr Gin has said to get rid of them because together we are not going to let me expand to that point again, too much headache to get rid of it!

I need to shift my mind set that my weight wasn’t effecting my health. There is a lot of social media content about body positivity and I totally get that it is out there and people come in many shapes but western society is getting fatter and the issues with that can’t be ignored.  If we were our pets, vet’s would be having words and putting us on the most expensive diet kibble. We are animals, flesh machines and like most animals or machines putting in too much fuel in is never going to end well. There are plenty of health reasons, physically, that make losing weight difficult but if that was they were the only reason there would not be so much cause for concern. We are exposed to so many unhelpful situations; drinking cultures, cheap plentiful easy high calorie food, hidden calories, that women athletes are not sexy, sedentary life styles, being time poor for cooking or fitness, poor nutrition education, that you have to be reed thin to go to a gym and that not wanting to be fat is some sort anti-feminism stance.  So many issues. Personally, I find it difficult to continue justifying being fat when I know I feel worse for it and millions of people are starving locally and globally. I am happy to support friends who embrace body positivity in all its forms, as long as they support me too.  I am also happy to help others wanting to join me. End the ranty bit, possibly.

I puffed like a train coming up the stairs at my local tube station, now I do it without wanting to lie down for a week at the top. Watching what you is boring, I think about it a lot, I talk about it a lot because it is hard and depressing. I am finding being disciplined fucking hard work. The UK food portions are not designed for dinky women, I love a deep fried piece of meat, chips with mayonnaise and all the cheese. I love to bake, I love cake. Certainly growing up with a mother who was on diet after diet and then at 22 told me at a size 12 I had got fat did not help. I know I have self-control issues and a fucking love food, I love to cook and I cook for friends, family and lovers because I love them. A lot of these demons and habits I have to address myself but up until now I have not really had partners who actively helped. Mr Gin has been monumentally helpful even though I have cut his red wine consumption immensely and am trying to push both of our eating to the healthy side. For him, he has lost a bit of weight which he is pleased about.  He is also pleased I am walking more and generally not as tired when being normal, walking and stuff.

On the subject of walking, let us talk about my feet which are still annoying the shit out of me.  I saw a consultant about them, getting some custom made innersoles for my shoes and a referral for an ultrasound guided steroid injection.  I have been stretching, possibly not as much as I should but have been struggling with being quite low the past few weeks. I am not sure why that is and have tried to plan things to look forward to over the next few weeks, dinner with friends and an exciting Penn and Teller show. Also a birthday at the end of June which I need to work out if I want to do anything for.

Hopefully my meeting with Mr Hutt will be productive and if I do have buy new jeans I won’t kill anyone doing so.

The end of training and the dawn of a new day.. OR I hate gyms.

Contains whinging about weight and swearing, you have been warned.

This week saw the end of my eight week program at the gym has finished. I am sad to see it go as having to be on time for sessions has made a good routine.
The personal trainers have been ace, working around my awkwardness and actually improving my body in space. The improvement over a short period of time has been astounding. I can balance better and the muscles are obviously building. I walked a 5 km last week and did it easily. My speed walking is noticeably more standard and the limp is slowly disappearing.
I think also my feet are improving, I am stretching all the time but they seem to be less tender. It is still not brilliant though but I did get to wear my Doc Marten's boots which was awesome. They feel very hard after wearing sneakers for years!


I am find clothes are fitting better in general I have a bit more energy. Mr Gin thinks I am notably less wide.

I still bloody hate the gym though, I resent the effort that has to go into this, three gym sessions. Although I am going to swap a gym for a swim soon, I now fit into my old bathers/swimmers, which are quite high cut and show off my tattoo of the implant very well. The team at the gym have been supportive and will continue to do so but I still hate and fume at the fact I have to go. I am getting a handle on my eating but it is so damn boring! I am having two very small meals a day so I can be 'indulgent' with my dinner, so tedious trying to input all my meals as Mr Gin and I like variety and love to cook. I hate being so short, to be 6 inches taller would make it a bit more manageable.
I am about a 1/3 of my way to my goal weight and a couple of kg from my mid point for Mr Hutt. Sadly, there is no change in the implant pain. But the muscles around the right hip are my better and seem to to absorbing the impact a little more.

This was noticeable a week of so back when I fucking RAN for a BUS! About 15 meters, not flat out but never mind that, ran, I have not run properly, without my skipping style of movement for at least three years. This feels un-fucking-believable, it is something that I have never done well and have been very nervous doing with the implant pain and fear of pain and falling. It is really difficult to articulate how much it meant to me.

Even though I hate the gym with a hatred of a thousand burning suns and I feel shitty for saying it because the team at the gym have been nothing but wonderful but I really don't like going. I will be going for another program in the summer, that should help shift some more weight.

Working hard, small improvements.

Trigger warning : I am going to talk about weight loss and assorted stuff.

First, feet. I am still having trouble with heel pain. I can have days were it is fine but other days it is a burning mess. I went to see a GP about them. She agreed I was approaching it well, all the right exercises, including the ones adjusted by the physiotherapist for my whacky hypermobile joints. So she referred me for steroid injections, into the soles of my feet. Which filled me with dread but frankly the cycle of inflammation needs to be broken. I am doing the best things possible with it all, stretches, massage and trying to stay off my feet. But some days even standing to cook dinner is too much.

Next, thigh pain, still there, unfortunately. I'm not game to run it still. I miss buses because of this. The cold does upset it, making itself known when walking in the chill the most. On a positive note, when coming up from bending down and going up stairs, it seems to have lessened. This seems to be down to some muscle building that I have been doing. I have been working very hard at this.

I have signed up with a weight lose program at work. It is eight weeks of Personal Training sessions and looking at my eating habits. The Occupational Health Doctor at work suggested it and I took her up on it. I am honest, I am overweight, I know this. I am not that happy with my body shape but I love food and I love to cook. I eat and drink too much. I have been making small changes because I felt a major immediate change was not going to last. I cut our diet coke in December, I started cutting out my snacks chips/crisps and chocolate in January, and in February I started going to gym three times per week. It seems to be working, I have dropped five kilograms in weight, through exercise and calorie counting. The goal is 20 kg by the end of the year, about 25% of my body weight. I am hoping that this will help with the thigh pain and avoid surgery. It also should help with the long term health of the joint, both metal and bone but I do find it tough that I am going to have to this regime for the rest of my life. I really hate the fact I am so short and the rest of the world seems to be aiming to feed people 8 inches taller than ma all the time. 

There has been a very happy change with my walk too, I went back to physio, they helped a lot, noting I was dropping into the joint instead of using my glute and thigh muscles. This has meant that I was still limping, and I was not happy with that, especially when I found out that both my legs are the same length. The Personal training combined with the physio has almost removed the limp and has definitely removed the rolling gait I had.  The muscles are building up and although my right leg muscles are still weaker than the left but I working very hard at making them even strength. The more I work at this the better the walk should get, removing the 40 years of walking badly. 

So,  there has been a lot of change happening in the past couple of months and I have found it it difficult mentally. My mental health has been very up and down, work has made it tough to with various uber stressful things that could have been avoided. I have found the program beneficial and have decided that I will do another in the summer to keep the body trimming down. The worst bit about this is I am going to have to buy new jeans, urgh I hate shopping for jeans.

12 month review - Could do better

Yesterday was the 12 month anniversary of the hip replacement and I am nursing a stonker of a hangover today.

A lot and nothing has happened since I last blogged.  I went to Australia, relaxed, showed my tattoo of my implant to my mother and drove 1500 km in 10 days with surprisingly no ill effects! I also have managed to swim a full 1 km in the pool. All in all, the joint is wonderful, it sometimes grates or vibrates when I stretch which an odd sensation.

I have have very sore feet, I have developed plantar fasciitis which is makes my heels and arches very tender, I went to the GP when they got unbearable, not long before headed to Australia in November. She gave me some exercises that seemed to be okay and my sports masseur released my rock hard calves and stretched the soles of my feet. The reason for the developing of the feet is because of my pretty sudden change from no activity to wanting to walk everywhere!

There was not much improvement but I stuck with the exercises and they settled whilst in Australia only to flair again when back walking in London. I had organised some more Physio on the suggestion of Mr Hutt earlier and we were looking at my walk which is still very limp like and he had done a pretty good job on the skeletal stuff and I shouldn't be limping.  So the Physios have started building my glutes in an effort to stop me dropping into the joint. This seems to be working, very slowly. They also rejigged my exercises for my feet to accommodate my hypermobility. This seems to be helping but I still get days where the feet burn as I sit in the tube which is very uncomfortable. I am finding that I want to limit the amount of walking and that is frustrating, so I am heading back to the GP to see if I can get some steroid injections so I can continue with the exercises but not be in as much pain.

The feet have been frustrating but the fact the thigh pain has not disappeared has been very difficult. We were hoping it would go over time and it wasn’t obvious in Australia except when I tried running on the beach (soft landings there).  Coming back into the cold it became apparent that the pain was still there, some days very bad, sharp pain, when I walk. Going up stairs I can feel the implant every step. Getting up off the floor, that downward pressure is very evident.

I went for my 12 month check up with Mr Hutt, he was very pleased with my progress, the bone is growing into the replacement and overall he is very happy besides the ruddy thigh pain. We talked about what was causing it, the shape of the stem, which is a documented issue but fairly rare. The tip rests on the bone of the femur, which is causing the pain, we think.  Hutt feels it is a pressure differential between the metal and bone. Hence when there is pressure put on the joint moving there is pain flairs.

He has suggested we leave it for another six months, to see if it rights itself. If not we will have to have a CT scan and isolate if it is the whole stem or the just the tip of the stem causing the issue. If it is the whole stem the option will be replacing just the stem.  If it is the tip, it would be putting in a plate to spread the pressure and possibly some bone grafts. Of course the third option will be to leave it and live with it.

In the meantime I am going to try to lose some weight and strengthen the muscles around the hip. This may help and frankly I am ready to grasp at those straws.  I am overweight and the muscles are weak so there are improvements to be made there regardless.

Needless to say the thought of more surgery and revising the implant has made me quite upset and my mental health has taken a bit of a tumble with this newish development. I am really disappointed about it and finding it difficult not to worry big time. It will not be an easy decision if I have to make it. Thankfully Mr Gin is being wonderful and supportive as always.

So Hippy Birthday to me and hopefully this will pass.

Testing of the Bionics.

Seven months have passed and generally things are the same.

I am not sure if the implant pain is lessening or I am getting used to it. It is a bit ouchy today, with the pain seemly traveling down to my knee. But this could be because for the long weekend I spent in a hotel with over 800 people at a Convention for the Discworld series of books by Terry Pratchett. There was a fair amount of walking, standing around, sitting in uncomfortable chairs and drinking. In between there were interesting talks and what not.

The last time I was at one of these was four years ago. I had a blue dot on my name card, an indication that I could queue jump and not have to stand to queue. I was grudging about taking one but in the end it was very needful. I was on a stick intermittently and found the standing in queues exhausting. By the time I finished the four days of Con I was tired and broken.

This time I went without my blue dot, I knew they were there but honestly didn’t think that I needed one.  I did have my sensible hat on and was ready to get a blue dot if needed. I figured the first day would be a good test. It is almost a half day and would give me an idea how much effort and energy I would need. The venue was compact with some stairs but there was also a lift if I needed it. The first day was not too bad at all. There were places to sit and the general feeling was grand. The queues were long and friendly.  (In the end I didn’t really queue because the front chairs of the big venue were uncomfortable and frankly the view was pretty rubbish in most places.) I was pretty much sold that I could handle the experience as a normal person.

It was a really good test for the leg because I tend to love these events and drink too much and tire myself out a lot. I think over the three evening I managed about 10 to 12 hours sleep. I jammed in as many talks as I could and lined up on tarmac for long periods and trundled my camera bag (which is not light) around with me. I even walked 40 minutes to the venue one day!

All in all it was good, I felt I was tired because I was burning the candle at both ends and not because I was being slowed down by the leg. This is all very good.

I think the next step now I pretty much back to post op six years ago is to try and drop some weight and get a bit more fit. Then I think tackle my walk, that is going to take some emotional space and I have a trip home lined up which is approaching, which as always stressful. These trips are generally not really a holiday and not matter how often I say I am not going run all over the shop I end up doing that anyway!  

Six months, really, yes really!

The Big Six month update.

It has been quiet on the blog because there is not all that much to report. Not much has changed but I have had the six months check up with Mr Hutt so an update feels to be in order. It is not an overly cheerful update because I am still frustrated but will try for an upbeat mode.

So, sports massage, brilliant idea, has sorted out my back. Fabulous! I have found a good masseur through work, she is close and reasonably priced. My rock hard calves have settled down which is brilliant. I suspect this is no longer a luxury but a necessary to help my body along as I try to sort this walk. Loosening muscles seems to help a fair bit and maybe it will help with the thigh pain I have having.

Thigh pain. A frustrating new thing along with a knee that is a bit sore and audible in its crunching! The thigh pain is from tip of the implant in my thigh bone, it is deep and ranges from nothing, a bit achy to quite sore. I rarely take pain killers for it but it is not something I want to live with. Mr Hutt has explained some of the issue comes from me being a dainty wee thing, well, short (153cm) and the stem being reasonably long. It tends to get sore when I put pressure on it from exercises etc. It is deep, under muscle pain. It was intermittent when I first got the hip done then disappeared and then came back in June and has not disappeared. Yet. There is hope as it all beds in that the pain will disappear and things will be peachy. The pain is such that I am bit wary of trying to run, even for a bus because I think that will be a nasty sharp pain. Mr Hutt, thinks in 12 month we will know if it is going to be an ongoing issue.

Sadly, if it does not go in that time, the only option maybe a revision and new hip. I want to avoid that. So much. So much. So at the moment lots research happening and exercising to gentle persuade the tip to bed in and the bone to become less sensitive! I just hope it is all worth it.

The knee could be muscles pulling on the knee cap which I will get my masseur to look at that and if that does not help, off to the GP! Frankly dodgy left knee is in the bad books because I would like the body to give me a break for a while.

Needless to say all the above it a bit tough to deal with and digest but recently finding someone with similar issues with the same implant and put in by the same surgeon has helped a lot.

Exercise. I hate the gym. But I am doing static biking, leg weight machine things and cross trainer. Not too much swimming lately but I am doing a fair amount of that, not quite cracked the 1 km in 30 minutes mark but hoping to soon. At some point there will be leg presses and rowing soon, if I can work out how to use the rowing machine!

The bloody walk. I have new sneakers but they are being rapidly destroyed by my twisty left foot. I am still hip hiking and a little bit of the waddle, a throw back from the old walk and also a bit with the thigh pain. Mr Hutt felt that perfection will not happen on its own and there are some terrible habits of a lifetime break. The skeletal foundation is the best we can hope for, we think the hip has settled about 1mm down which is not much but could have been the angle of the x-ray or a result of normal settling or a major collision I had with the floor 3 months ago. He is very pleased (as am I) with the movement I have. I can sit cross legged like a primary school child, this is something I have NEVER been able to do even as a child. The range of movement is very good and smooth. The muscles are building nicely but could do with some more building.  So, this means some more gym work and locating a physiotherapist to help with the walking. There is more in this than weak muscles, there are old habits and I do not really know what a proper walk feels like.  I think this is clincher, the past physio expected I would know what a normal walk would feel like. I really don’t I have never walked like a normal person, my gait has been awkward since I learned to walk on a dislocated hip as a two year old!

I am walking fair distances and with speed, I can keep up with Mr Gin pretty well and now there is no longer any forward planning for going out, I walk my local high street easily and climb two to three stories of stairs, although a bit puffy, quite well. My overall fitness and weight leave a bit to be desired but that is the story of my life and not really to do with the new hip. I could do with losing a good 30 kilograms and that might help with the overall fitness. Sadly, I find gym boring and rather like food and booze, so this is always going to be a struggle.  I have been walking more because of all things, Pokemon Go, it drives Mr Gin bonkers but gets me out and about. I am trying to catch buses that require more walking and generally not take the lazy way out. I have to try and cut down on the red wine.

Work is a stressful which makes cutting the wine down hard. We have a trip to Australia booked, I am sure that I will set some sensors off! I have also got it my mind this new hip is going to do some driving, a lot of it. I am looking forward to a holiday.

There is not much else to report besides a little six month celebration but that will get its own post!